How to make friends as an adult
I'm going to assume that you already know that basic advice about going to interest groups - that's just a good idea and you should try it. But what comes next?
You go to a group. You meet a person you like. You have similar interests and seem to be on the same wavelength.
Now how the heck do you make friends with them?
If you're reading this, perhaps you're like me. A friendly person with an unfriendly exterior, not much in the way of friendship experience as a kid (except for in books), and an inconsistent social battery.
Here are some of the lessons I learned the hard way on how to make friends as an adult. I hope they help!
Forget about first impressions
I am terrible at first impressions. I'm usually overwhelmed, overstimulated and unable to do anything but smile and nod, or mask so much that I became a mirror image of the other person.
This is exhausting, and it also means you present the same friendly face to everyone in an effort to get them to like you. The catch is that not everyone will like you, no matter how good of a first impression you make. And that's fine! You don't have to like everyone either.
I'm not saying you have to go out there and be your tRuE aUtHeNtIc SeLf from day one. Just act in a way that suits your energy instead of overexerting yourself for someone else's comfort.
It feels counterintuitive at first, but people will get to know you more later, and that first impression pales in comparison to a bond of trust built over time.
This brings me onto the next bit, expectations. Those untold rules that can make or break a friendship!
Everyone has different expectations of friendship and they are all equally important
If only someone could define the rules of friendship for us all to follow. It would be so much easier! Unfortunately for those of us who love rules, this is not the case and never will be.
This can be a hard one to accept if you grew up reading a lot of fiction, where all friendships are instant and ride-or-die situations. It's not like that in real life, but childhood models are hard to let go of. You'll find amazing, loyal friends, but it'll take time to seek them out and then even more time to develop a deep friendship.
When you make a new friend, it'll take time for both of you to figure out how you fit into each others' lives. Will you be close, or acquaintances? Will you speak often or infrequently? Will you talk about serious things or only joke together? Part of building a friendship is paying attention to where your expectations align or clash. They don't all have to match, just enough of them that you can get along.
A mismatch in expectations can be disappointing. Maybe that person you thought could be a close friend is drifting into being an acquaintance, or perhaps you wanted more frequent contact but they're too busy for it. It's sad, but sometimes realising that this is a difference in expectations can help it feel less like personal rejection.
How to spend time with new friends
Find one or two "things" that you do with your new friend and make it a repeat activity. If you met at a group, keep going regularly. If you have a shared interest, engage in it together.
Anything that helps to build regular contact will lead to more opportunity for building a friendship. The only thing to avoid is any nightmare scenario for either of you, e.g. don't meet at a busy restaurant if you don't like a lot of noise.
It's definitely possible to have friends that you see less often. You might want to maintain contact in between visits via text to keep the relationship growing, or accept that it might take longer to build if there's no contact between meetings. Either way is good, as long as you're both on the same page in terms of expectations.
The main point is that routine is a foundational stabiliser for friendship. Without it, it becomes dependent on one of you a) remembering to reach out and b) not talking yourself out of reaching out because you don't want to bother them.
Your phone is not part of the friendship
Using a phone while you have a conversation with someone is a barrier to building trust with them. Imagine getting a book out mid-conversation and you see what I mean.
Many of us use our little dopamine machines to get through the awkward silences in conversations, or use it to spur conversation like showing someone a photo or article. It's a comfort blanket that feels so easy to put on.
The problem is that awkward silences are an important part of friendship building. That's usually the moment when one person might choose to open up more, or say something silly, or make an observation on the world around you. If you never sit through awkward silence with a new friend, it's much harder to get to comfortable silence (the best kind).
Phones are amazing for keeping in touch when you're apart, but you can keep em in your pocket when you're together.
Go forth and make friends
Holy moly this ended up longer than I thought it would. I have more thoughts but I ran out of juice for writing today. Let me know how you get on with making friends.
Happy friending!